Have you ever felt lost…so confused at how you got to the place you were or are? 

This marked much of my story from 2011 to 2015. I grew up in a home where my mom was a believer but not following Christ very closely and my dad would only go to church because my mom wanted him to. I was the oldest of three girls and the product of a one night stand. (By the grace of God alone, my parents are still together.)

Before I came to know Jesus as my Lord and Savior, my life was marked by insecurities, shame, and hopelessness. 

Growing up I was very INSECURE and found a lot of my identity in men. I got into a serious relationship in December 2007 that lasted on and off until 2017. It was a very abusive relationship, physically and emotionally. In December 2010, I found out I was pregnant. My life flashed before my eyes, and fear consumed me! I was the same age that my mom had been when she found out she was pregnant with me, and I could not imagine that life, especially with someone who treated me so horribly. 

To give you some context on how I viewed motherhood…As the oldest, I played mom to my two younger sisters (one being six years younger, and the other twelve years younger), and I would pretend to be pregnant with my dad's t-shirts and basketballs tucked under. I could not wait for child development class in high school so that I could take home a baby, and I chose pro-life as my senior year debate topic. When I say that the choice to abort my baby was the last place I thought I would ever be, I mean it! Fear was so powerful in that moment, and I let it take hold of me. 

On January 7, 2011, I followed through with the abortion of my baby. Immediately after the procedure, as I laid on a gurney in a room with a few other women and bright hospital lights shining in my eyes, I was filled with sadness, regret, and SHAME!

Over the next three years, I did not tell anyone about my abortion. I believed so many lies from the enemy. I felt unworthy and HOPELESS and turned to my toxic relationship for empty validation.

In the summer of 2013, Jesus saved me, and my life began to change! Two of my best friends moved back home and relentlessly pursued me, loved me, and challenged me in my faith. In 2014, I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ! My playground changed, the things I once desired were no more, and I felt the most overwhelming peace!

I started serving with a young adult ministry in Dallas called The Porch, and it was during the interview process that I slipped up and shared my abortion story out loud for the first time. I was introduced to another woman with a similar story, and she pointed me to an abortion ministry called Someone Cares, where I did an eight-week long study called “Forgiven and Set Free.” I thought I had dealt with this area, but man, was I wrong. I found that I was still believing the lie that I wouldn’t find someone who would accept this part of my story and that my punishment would be to not have children. I found forgiveness and was set free from this bondage. I look back and wish I would have let someone in sooner!

Today, I am SECURE in Christ, UNASHAMED of the work he has done in my life, and filled with HOPE! 

Before I leave you, a small detail that marks the large redemptive work of Jesus in my life…

During the “Forgiven and Set Free” study, you are encouraged to give your baby a name and a birthdate. My daughter Jade would have been born on August 27th, 2011. In December 2019, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter, Jenesis. Her due date was August 25th, 2020. She arrived on August 27th, 2020. 

I am eternally thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ!

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1. Is there something in your life that you are holding onto that you know you need to confess to God and community? I urge you to pray for the strength to do that!

2. Where are you allowing fear to overpower the work of Jesus Christ?

3. Where have you seen redemption in your walk with the Lord, and if you haven’t yet, what area do you hope to see redemption? I encourage you to share this with someone.